the FABULOSO life of... IRENE

i think i have been experiencing a depression
not a real one with zoloft [zoloft?] and prozac.
but one where one shitty thing after another happens and i cant remember the last time i had a great day with great people and didnt get pissed off about something
but i also dont feel unhappy
i feel happy
i just wish dumb things didnt keep happening to me so much

i find myself holding back alot with people
it isnt that i want to do it
its just that--and i have very good reason as of late to believe this--i fear that if i dont, itll all just go to waste
because oftentimes it does. and it has. and it seems to me that this is presently happening too

and imean i try! and sometimes i do it
i am myself
100 percent. as much as i could and should be
and then itll get thrown back in my face
and i dont think i can deal with that anymore



and likewise, if i feel that i am you know

"irene all star friend champion
!"

and i care about a person and that person is very special and important to me
i have to do everything in my power to convince that person this is not true
even if it is
because the second they find out, theyll all of a sudden be like
"hang out today? i was totally into supergluing my sundried fruit pit collection and making a miniature ferris wheel insead. maybe i can slot you in next year?"

is this normal?
i hope so



oh and im going to senior prom.
ha. im actually really looking foreward to it.
i just feel bad that sean is spending alot of money, and he keeps cueing in on the fact that hes spending alot of money, its just that i dont really know what to do about it since not more than a week ago i went over 100 dollars negative in the good ol bank


i miss the days of hiding my money in my closet
which, if anyone was wondering, was almost a year ago.
happy almost bank anniversary, irene



please, someone comment.

to a party in mission hill yesterday
i had an okay time
i had martinis and cosmopolitans, but i was the only person there doing so
everyone else had dumb beer.
i dont belong in college.

mel and i were talking to a girl and asked her if she was dating anyone and she said "well.
...
......
..........
im dating four!"

and while usually i would think this was really mean and heartless
i thought about it
and.
itd be a nice way to pass the time.
seriously.
im not sure if the system is decomposing me
or if im finally taking advantage of the system.

there were alot of guys there
who were alot drunk and who were alot flirty
and i found none of them remotely interesting.

so i think dating 4 guys at once will be a real mission.
that is all.

i decided.
instead of being miserable over the fact that my social life has been blown to shit.
i will rejoice the fact that

my arms and legs are still intact.
that i dont have any sharp pains anywhere.
that i have TWO homes.
that my family and friends (who i dont see) still exist and are also healthy.
that the internet exists so i can sit in front of it on a friday night and research:

domestic house cats.
leopards
cheetas
cougars
panthers
almost endangered japanese mountain cats
and the like.

while eating cheescake and a hot pocket. and potatoes.
which means i will also, in addition to my amazing lameness, i will be getting fat.



things are really lookin up.

im applying for jobs very soon
i was thinking today but i get out at 1220 and i have to be at massart at two
so uhhhh. yeah.
but then that leaves thursday because i just get out at 1220 and then nothing after that. well see

im getting situated.
i think i like my new surroundings.
i think they think im weird

i was in the bathroom doing my hair and one of them asked if she could get her blowdryer and i came out and said i was done and she said ".....oh" and i said "yeah...i was just sitting"

just sitting!?
Who says that ever?
me.

and then she gave me a weird "ok, freak" look.
only a serious one.

maybe its just me thouu

hey

im here
im at my apartment.
we have an overstuffed apartment.
overstuffed with food. with clothes. with girlie crap.
it is one girlie mess.

but im okay with it.
when i slept last night, it felt like that scene in aladin where hes back at his place and his actual "place" is ragged and straggly but the view is really great, so it makes everything totally okay.

the views really nice. i can see the prudential when i sleep.
and i will always know what the weathers like because of those flashing lights.
for which i have to find out what they mean
flashing red
steady red
flashing blue
or is it green?

anyways.
the school owes me 1600 dollars. which is nice.
i have bought no books.
i probably wont till uhhh
monday
i have no classes friday!@
ever.
one of my classes is a junior/senior class. im sure it will be very hard.
yay.
the other one is painting. which meets for four hours on tuesday. and is pass/fail
the other is an art/history class. which i am very excited about and which i anticipate will be my easiest class.
the last is a philosophy class. i go tomorrow.
i have the best schedule ever.



how are the rest' o you doing?

jane and i started a band.
were not sure whats going to happen yet
it might just be an idea that never gets manifested
i hope not.
weve got ben in on it too

i like the idea of two girls and a guy
i also like the idea of six girls and a guy
maybe its five actually
i just like css

another thing were not sure on is what were all gona play
since.
weve only really got guitars between the three of us.
well i dono what ben actually has
well discuss it all in our first official band meeting.

do we like cute?
or are we going more for.
not cute

i havent posted since july.
im not sure why ive been so discouraged from posting
maybei ts becasue i dont think anyone cares that much
or maybe i just dont care that much.


im moving into my housing on monday.
im a little nervous, but i think things will go well
im really anticipating the freedom that im going to have with it
i can go anywhere i want without having to explain myself
i can leave at three in the morning to get chips if i want
i can sleep in as late as i want and not feel guilty
i can wear whatever i want and not be told that i look silly
i can finally smoke that pack of cloves!

yeah im pretty thrilled for the independence.
maybe ill post agian, well see

sitting back and remeniscing...

i feel so unbelievably alone.. just right now.

it doesnt happen normally... just sometimes.

no ones here.

im listening to terrible terrible songs...
it hadnt occured to me how terrible things used to be, im not looking for pity or anything, its just strange how within minutes, a world you thought you were so away from manages to represent itself. Its not re-substanciated or anything, its just much easier to remember.


i dont know what i want.
i wish i knew someone who did.
i wish i knew someone who knew what to do with me.

loves you.



well well well.
events have a tricky way of unravelling.
actually its not particularly tricky
they just
well.
unravel.

in the way you dont want them to.


.
.
.
.
.

i need to turn this orbit around.
who knew a thing like this could make me feel so sick.
i
didnt see it coming.

i hate being in helpless situations.
situations where you recognize
a problem
or road block
but youre simply much to
stagnant.
unmotivated.
unrecourceful.
to do anything about it.

this however is no news to anyone
as everyones been in a situation like
above described...
but im just emphasizing the point that it well,
sucks.



today a friend of mine who said they were going to come didnt.
i miss the types that you can say little ridiculous things that bother you to--the ones that make it so you dont feel totally incompetent afterwards. ...creates a world where its okay to act like a child.
'in addition,'.. it would be quite nice if i didnt make myself feel so dumb all the time.



the night was an overall definate plus.
so many great things happened
im just highlighting some of the turmoils
going on behind closed doors is all.
the song sounded great.
it JUST started raining.
we missed it! (yes!)

i hope it was for others as well.

hi there livejournal.

well the wedding tonight was fun.
it wasnt at first
but then the music started-- sometimes i wonder how people get through family functions like this WITHOUT dancing. It consumes so much time and makes everything just go by much faster.

i had a glass of red and a
heineken

i havent had a sip of alcohol in ages.. not particularly envigorating or anything, but it did let me loosen up a little. (nothing compared to dunkins coffee thou)
i was quite the dancer tonight
they only played greek music, which is much more its own artform than regular dancing since there are prerequisite steps and patterns that a person has to learn, versus rhythmic intuition.

i led one ENTIRE dance which is sort of a big deal cos the leader decides how everyone dances, speed, influction etc. and my uncle

my very drunk uncle
forced me into the middle of the dance floor to dance -one on one- with him, so i had to come up with nuts-o moves on a whim.

im sure i made a fool of myself, but i figure i have till my own wedding to get it right. speaking of; at my own wedding, i will not be the inadequate, boring, blase, lameo bride stupid loukia was. who got drunk at her own wedding!! whaaaaaaaaaaat?!! tacky!


well thats enough of that.
hope everyones fathers day went fabbity fab.
also, what does one wear to their own graduation party?

i realized i never really followed up on any thoughts surrounding graduation or prom
so here they are

prom: um? so the best senior prom that i could have ever thought of? Chris was a very good date because i was able to have alot of fun without the slightest hint of possible romantic involvement and considering last years prom, that was a definate plus. And likewise, i was surrounded by amazing friends that actually made it a legitemetally worthwhile experence (sorry for the cliche) , as well as being completely civil with past friends that i had labeled as 'hopeless' before. These amazing friends include chris, emily, mary, alexanDER, michael, george, andre, julia, andsomuchmore.



graduation:
C0SM0L0VER88 we graduate tommorow!
C0SM0L0VER88 (11:58:04 PM): nigger-roo
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:03:47 AM): oh gosh, i know!
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:03:51 AM): sorry i took so long haha
C0SM0L0VER88 (12:03:54 AM): IM SO EFFIN NERVOUS@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:03:58 AM): really?!
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:04:04 AM): im not sure exactly how i feel
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:04:15 AM): i always thought id be sad or regretful
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:04:33 AM): but... it feels right, you know? i dont feel like its happening too fast or like im DYING to get out
C0SM0L0VER88 (12:04:37 AM): maybe its subconsciously regret
C0SM0L0VER88 (12:04:38 AM): yea
C0SM0L0VER88 (12:04:42 AM): i think its REALLY hitting me
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:04:47 AM): yeah maybe?
C0SM0L0VER88 (12:04:49 AM): like i sorta feel like VOMITING
C0SM0L0VER88 (12:04:50 AM): haha
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:04:57 AM): yeah... it hit me as i was driving with mary and al today
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:05:14 AM): and i realized oh gosh-- mary, were graduating! high school! were never going back!
Suis uneROCKSTAR (12:05:42 AM): and we were at the mall and al was like 'oh yeah that guy goes to our school, i mean MY school'


well i guess THAT sums it all up.


have a nice night everyone.

sometimes i find myself wondering what it is that makes people cry.
you can tell very much about what amuses a person, what makes them laugh
but theres so much more you can learn when you see them cry
of both negative and positive causes.


after all, it makes sense.
A person spends their time with a given assortment of friends, and if it werent for a deeper care for that select group, why would they spend so much time with them?
... i guess i just feel like theres so much more that i can get to know about with alot of my friends.



i get so frustrated when people are unnecessarily enigmatic. i just wish people would let go of inhibitions and insecurites and just act the way they want with the people they want- letting go of the image they need to uphold.
sometimes i feel ridiculous for showing too much of my personality too readily.
i envy those who maintain composure that way

they make others beg for a taste

i apologize for this very poorly articulated entry- hopefully you get the idea here.
agh. well anyway

i think i will always become enamoured with people that are exactly the opposite of myself.

1. quiet
2. conserved
3. deep
4. musical
5. graceful
7. subtle
8. not outwardly thoughtful
6. haha um MASCULINE

alright well... not PERFECTLY opposite, but opposite enough to call 'opposite'

ugh. im such a mess.
fran was right after all ! :(


____________________________________________________________
i may be getting a fun internship soon
maybe ill find someone more nice to love there.
yikes.


also, i was reading some of the posts i had saved under 'memories' (or whatever) and i realized what a floosie i used to be.
i pretty much wanted to forsake myself (!) after MANY of those posts... swooning over complete idiots, being oblivious to so many important issues going on in my life, being naive, etc. etc.

course, its all positively laughable now!... why couldnt it have been then?.. i guess it always swings that way doesnt it?



_________________________________________________________________

i can still feel the smooth embrase of that womans hands over my toes.

... that are painted RED now :D


FIN.

huh
huhhhh

huhhhhhh
what?!

(aw cry face)
(cry FACE)


we are scientists (AND arctic monkeys, which is something i didnt know til now) is sold out.
and i want to go!
i want to go NOW!!


_________________________________________________________________


i was a little confused as to why it would be sold out.
and then, DUH. ... its with the arctic monkeys.
lamE.

We are scientists are coming back thou, on july 2nd. but its gona be with two obscure new york bands and NOT the english heart-throbs (not!)





WOAH PROMS IN TWO DAYS.
WOAH.
WOAH.
WOAH.

woohaaa.
ok see ya.

debras grad party was wooonderful.
best one yet.

and i forgot that people drank at parties up till someone warned me not to drink and drive. over the phone. which i DID NOT do on account of the parties i go to dont involve alcohol. which is nice, since im not in a hurry to be going to parties that do involve alcohol.

ive already gone to parties that do.
its bark is much worse (or betteR?) than its bite.





i really like that ive sort of skipped over the awkward 'high school' milestones such as ''being piss drunk around grampies and 'nanies' you dont know'' for the first time-- among others
im really tired.
and i was glad for my one contact tonight
since if i could see everyone supah-clear,
i probably wouldnt have danced like a freak.
and im okay with (dancing like a freak), as long as i think no ones watching :D




see ya, thanks for reading.

im the biggest idiot that ever was.


Northeastern sent me an email dated May 3rd saying they were very interested in having me for their fall admission, and that i should respond by May 5th if i was truly interested. They told me that, along with the 15 thousand dollar scholarship they are willing to give me

They had my financial aid all done. They were telling me they wanted me. And i, the blinding idiot didnt check my email. For a month.


... there is something severely wrong with me.
Why such an ironic, twisted twinge of fate?

why oh why????!!




Im telling myself simmons will be great. But thats all shot to shit as soon as northeastern is anywhere near the picture.

oh dreadful dear...

i think its about time i got this thing started up again.
i do miss writing down all the trivial things that happen in my day

and this way
i can come back and remember what it was like
to be 18
just in case i get too far lost
its nice to be
cautious i suppose





george wants me to get a tatoo with him... what shall it be?!
am i too much of a scaredy cat to do it?
hmm well see!